CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
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The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun