“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
umm…
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My boss called in sick of me