Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
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Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Shower sex be like:
me working on my assignments ^-^
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back