Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
You Might Also Like
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”