Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
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I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom