So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
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When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?