What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Beware of fowl play.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what