“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.