My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
welp
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.