My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
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“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)