my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
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If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Anime is real
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I hope google does well on my son’s test
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot