Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
This guy’s not having it 😆
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it