I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only