My god she’s good.
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I enjoy a good short stor
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.