I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
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“Wait, let me explain..”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.