Me driving through Toronto
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everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Had to try this trend 😊
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it