An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”