I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
A classic…
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Storm Tropical Storm
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.