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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.