dr pepper just lost her medical license. π now she’s just ms pepper. π bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! π no. βπ dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. π unlearn your internal biases!π©ββοΈ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash βΉοΈββοΈπΆ
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
When I say Iβm βgoing through somethingβ I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after theyβve given you the Heimlich?
When Bryan Adams sang βBaby, youβre all that I wantβ¦when youβre lying here in my armsβ¦β I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait itβs just the tile pattern
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
When someone asks me why Iβm leaving the party early, I say βIβm late for an appointment with my pajamas.β
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Twitter is great because you can tweet βhiβ and someone will tell you youβre wrong.
βItβs too early for porn.β Said no man ever.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
We werenβt going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.