when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
This is a sub tweet
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.