We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out