How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
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Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Bro what is this
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.