We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
You Might Also Like
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?