I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
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If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Love this guy
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream