Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
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(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Every haunted house movie:
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Someone told me once you can鈥檛 keep complaining about something if you鈥檙e not gonna do anything about it. But I鈥檝e found that you can, pretty easily.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it鈥檚 important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 馃槧
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 馃槨
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 馃槨馃槨馃槨
My boss: we鈥檙e gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymn贸s” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we鈥檙e both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
repaired
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?