My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
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I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Squirrels before girls.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.