Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
You Might Also Like
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*