I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
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(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl