“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.