[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?