The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
This why you should mind your business
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed