My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
You Might Also Like
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *