“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
That’s fair
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.