I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
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I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Finally!
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
welp
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting