All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
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Don’t we all.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.