My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
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I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
canadian assassins are called killergrams
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.