There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge