My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.