My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I can fix him.