“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
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*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
🤣😂
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together