Simple enough.
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Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.