A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?