i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.