[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning