[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….