I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
You Might Also Like
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…