[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
DOOO EEEET
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
January is lasting longer than my marriage