violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
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This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Pandas 🐼🖤
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.