I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
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Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
I’m not stressed
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*